I’ll read this to you! Just click on the audio above☝🏼
Ten years ago, I wrote some self-improvement goals in a handy IEP-inspired format.
I am a decade older…and all my previous goals are unmet.
My Response to Intervention has been dismal.
So, in honor of the new school year and all those who will be wrangling those wonderfully fun Individualized Education Plans for their special needs students, here is my updated IEP for Me.
Skill Area #1: PHYSICAL FITNESS
Past Performance: Ten years ago, improvements to physical health were to be measured by a decrease in involuntary grunting when moving from a sitting to standing position. Review of Existing Data indicates that not only have regular exercise promises been rewritten or ignored repeatedly over time, but reflexive posture-shift grunts are now a given. Despite a brief period when it was considered “fun” to run/walk 5K races, progress has stalled in this area.
Present Level: Climbing up to the “nosebleed” section of our local football stadium (slowly and even without carrying nachos) is met with vigorous protests from legs, heart, and lungs.
Revised Goal: Through weekly cardio and strength training exercise, I will demonstrate improved mobility, flexibility, and climbing-stairs-without-dying ability.
Benchmarks:
Will be able to carry dumbbells to the counter at the resale sporting goods store without overtly straining or causing the young clerk to call me ma’am.
Will reduce (to 50% of opportunities) using the excuse of “young adult son benefits from heavy lifting” to not carry heavy groceries myself.
Accommodations:
To compensate for the trauma of typing internet search terms such as “low-impact cardio for women over 50” all YouTube workout videos will be led by soft-voiced, smiling, handsome (and not too young) instructors.
Any expectation to try on clothing without stretchy waistbands shall be suspended with or without progress on this goal.
In anticipation of significant regression and lagging recoupment in this skill area following all vacations, holidays, and illnesses, there will be a need for extended year services.
Skill Area #2: TIME MANAGEMENT
Past Performance: In 2013, this goal aimed to replace wasted minutes watching brainless TV or scrolling Facebook with focused engagement in purposeful activities. Progress was to be measured by an improved ability to complete an intelligent thought and a marked lack of embarrassment when asked the question, “What do you do in your spare time?” Addiction to smartphone use and the arrival of so many streaming services impeded progress on this goal.
Present Level: The number of home improvement and personal growth aspirations far exceeds the time spent on these projects.
Revised Goal: When offered any amount of time off, I will choose an activity from a list of useful chores or worthy pastimes.
Target list to include, but not limited to:
Reading actual books or long-form articles (skimming doesn’t qualify)
Writing or creating (see 5,000-page project task list)
Moving a household item from its “temporary” spot to where it belongs
Cleaning out a drawer, closet, purse, pantry, or car
Meditating (should not be used only to avoid any of the above)
Exceptions:
Maintenance of current streaks on Wordle, Nerdle, Phrazle, and Waffle shall be allowed daily. However, when these streaks are broken this should be taken as an opportunity to reassess if there might be a more impactful way to preserve nerd cred.
Merely purchasing books and/or subscribing to new Substack publications in anticipation of interest and reading time does not count toward this goal (but is still highly encouraged).
Skill Area #3: SOCIAL SKILLS
Past Performance: Significant progress was made ten years ago in combating introverted-ness by responding affirmatively to more social invitations, as evidenced by attendance at a small number of outings in physical proximity to other real people – until a worldwide pandemic sparked a resurgence of hermit-like behavior. Recommend continuation of this goal, just like those booster shots, indefinitely.
Present Level: Wait, do I have to get dressed for that?
Revised Goal: To increase social awareness, I will independently initiate or agree to 1-3 face-to-face interactions per month with individuals who do not live in my household, as measured by demonstrating specific knowledge of a friend’s activities that do not appear on their social media pages.
Accommodations:
Provide coffee for any interaction prior to 10 a.m.
Offer alcohol if engagement can be labeled as a celebration, widely defined.
Encourage a comfortable dress code (and exclude judgment of attire).
Decrease all forms of excess drama, celebrity gossip, and mean-spirited people.
Keep the laughter-to-seriousness ratio at 3:1 or greater whenever possible.
Accept cancellation if proposed venue is too hot, too loud, too crowded or when event doesn’t even actually start until close to typical bedtime.
Allow return to secluded, quiet setting for an extended period between outside interactions.
Skill Area #4: COMMUNICATION
Past Performance: The previous goal focused on responding to any form of pissiness or negative attitude from my then-teenaged son with a “Zen-like calmness” as measured by a 60% reduction in sarcastic comebacks, heavy sighs and throwing hands up in exasperation. This was never a realistic goal. Luckily, aging (for both parties) has repaired these interactions without extensive intervention. An updated communication goal follows.
Present Level: In the words of Edna Mode of The Incredibles: “Yes, words are useless! ‘Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble!’ Too much of it, dahling! Too much!”
Revised Goal: Taking inspiration from my offspring, I will implement the following strategies to improve my ability to communicate with my son and others:
Say “No” to all requests immediately, emphatically and without guilt, until the personal value of the ask has been clarified.
Speak only what is true, without subtext, double-meaning, or filter [should be modified if/when this adversely affects Skill Area #3 above].
Retain the right to remain silent.
No speech required prior to 8 a.m.
Reduce chit-chat, obvious commentary, and other words that do not improve upon the silence.
Written communication (text, email, post-it notes) allowed, with the exception of public social interactions and required phone calls (see script template which should be completed prior to dialing).
Skill Area #5: ROLE MODELING
Past performance: Scattered progress has been made toward becoming a good role model in health-related matters by (occasionally) taking my supplements, (reluctantly) going to the doctor, and (sanctimoniously) making healthy food choices.
Present Level: Still Talking more than Walking.
Revised Goal: A reduction in hypocrisy involving healthy behaviors shall be demonstrated by honestly stating one or more of the following by year’s end:
Yes, I have been to the dentist, too. (Proof of visit within the past year required)
No, I am not hiding any cookies/candy/treats. (Mom’s emergency chocolate stash shall remain secret)
Of course, we all practice moderation in everything. (Chocolate, wine, and those really good Dot’s pretzels excluded)
Thank you for the very BEST midday pick-me-up! Outstanding.
This was super fun, a great idea to write something to look back on and see what has changed!