Welcome to another edition of It’s Like This. For this issue’s “read aloud” version, I’m trying out a new “voiceover” feature on Substack, instead of the podcast option I was using before. Let me know if this works, or not, for you – and thanks, as always, for being here!
The spa’s “relaxation room” was bathed in soft blue light.
A wall of hanging glass beads, lit from below, simulated a cascading waterfall.
Calm instrumental music played as the scent of lavender essential oil wafted from a diffuser.
Two decanters offered cool ice water or hot water for tea.
As I sat there in a cushy robe on a cushy lounge chair, I took a deep breath and I thought:
Now this is a really well-done sensory room. I wonder how my son would react to this?
Yes, the strategies of autism-land are never far from my mind, even on a girls’ weekend getaway.
But then I thought, Wait, I need more of this.
I’ve never been good about giving myself permission to just relax.
It feels indulgent. But it shouldn’t.
When I aim to make sure my son has what he needs to function in this world - quality sleep, nutritious food, enriching activities, and whatever combo of sensory inputs he needs to protect his nervous system - I don’t consider these “indulgences.” These are necessities for him to feel happy and competent. He deserves these things, unconditionally.
Why do I have such a hard time offering these essentials to myself?
Sitting in the blessed serenity of that relaxation room, I realized how much I overlook the value of true time off.
I know that self-care is important. I understand caregiver burnout. We can’t be good parents (or partners) if we’re exhausted, not eating well, not attending to our own health and wellbeing.
Even though I know the benefits, I still feel guilty taking time, money, attention, and energy away from my family.
I’m sure I’m not alone in carrying some unconscious bias against recognizing the important work of motherhood and caregiving.
Sometimes my resistance to relaxing comes from not admitting how hard my job is, and that I really do need down time to replenish my energy and shed some of the stress.
Sometimes I push back against even needing this kind of restorative care, though. Aren’t I strong and resilient and capable? I’m a tough chick. I can muscle through the hard parts without wasting time and effort on “pampering” myself!
Usually, I put pressure on myself to be productive in my “off” time, as if my work as a parent and caregiver is not enough of a job. When I find time away from my son – and that’s been so rare over the past two years – I race to make “good use” it, filling every precious kid-free moment with paid work or household chores or meeting self-imposed writing or project deadlines.
And, honestly, relaxing when my son is in someone else’s care is difficult. I worry that he won’t be safe or understood when I am not there to interpret or intervene.
But this last excuse is starting to erode a bit.
My son does not always want me there.
He has been showing me that I need to chill out.
He’s already been waving goodbye to me in the parking lot of his day program, as I stubbornly keep trying to walk him in.
I was the only nervous one on the first day of his new drum set lessons. I watched him confidently walk into an unfamiliar (and loud) music classroom like he owned the place, and his enthusiasm for these weekly sessions hasn’t waned yet.
When I brought him to a social outing at a crowded outdoor mall, facilitated by his fitness instructor, he did not appear to share my anxieties about how he was going to manage this new situation. Instead, he walked away from me in a group of young adults he’d never met, with hardly a glance back.
He is trying to tell me to loosen my grip.
I’m trying to trust that I can.
If he is venturing out more and offering me more “time off” from my direct care duties, I’ll need to learn to use that time wisely.
To check off an important task on my essential “to do” list.
To maybe summon an image of a crystal blue waterfall.
And learn how to relax.
This is Wonderful!!! I will make time if you ever need a Spa Partner!!